Frustration

Frustration is a useless emotion. Well, is it even an emotion? I think it is just a pain in my ass, like most people in my life are. I sit here watching Drop Dead Diva and I really like this show. For those of you who don't know this show's basis is a bit on the far fetched side but it has a lot of good little messages. I know many people don't think shows should have messages but I like it when there is a message. I may be lame but I usually can identify with the messages in the show. As in this episode Jane, realizes that it is time to move forward and stop living in the past. I realize its not really a message per say but I don't care. Maybe it is time to listen to what the universe is telling me. I don't know. I am just getting worn down trying to figure out things. I am just tired of it all. No wonder depression sits in so easily for me. I just know what I want but have the hardest time trying to figure out how to get it. Maybe one day, until then who the hell knows. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm threw with playing by the rules of someone else's game. To late for second guessing, to late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes and leap. Its time try defying gravity. Pretty much sums it up.

Peace

Whatever

I should be in bed sadly on a saturday night at 10pm but I am not. I just got home from work and have to be back at 5:30. Gotta love it. Just thinking about things and I just wonder what the hell is going on. I mean I am trying not to be a debbie downer here but damn. It seems that all I can do is focus on negative things and being lonely. I know I am young and all that crap. I am so tired of hearing you will meet the right person one day, blah, blah, blah. It's funny how I know what I want but can't seem to figure out how to get it. I sit here actually chuckling because it all seems so silly. It is not that I need someone to complete me or any of that crap. I am a complete person all on my own. I just want to share my life with the right guy and raise a couple of kids. I didn't think that I was asking to much out of life. I am soooo exhausted with dealing with this. I know you find love when you aren't looking for it and all but come on. I have reached the point that I don't cry about it anymore. What good does it do? I promise that this blog will turn either super bitchy and funny or completely ridiculous. Just got an idea!! I think I am going to sing it out tomorrow. People better be ready to go with me!!!

Thoughts from a recovering fatty fatkins

So if you couldn't already tell this blog has a lot to do with being fat and losing weight. It is not intended to be negative, but a realistic journey for a very fat gay man. Not only will this deal with my journey of becoming the man that I am meant to be but also will deal with the inner workings of my mind. You have been warned!!! So let's dive right in shall we?!

As I sit here watching American Masters -Carol Burnett, I can't help but let my mind wander to different things. I have been pretty depressed and scared lately about being alone and dealing with what that means. I have gone a bit cra-cra!! After seeing Glee live and talking to a my mom and a wonderful person that is always there for me I began to realize that I need to get back to me. I miss singing and acting and being on stage. It's crazy but I am at home on stage. I am hoping by getting back to my craft will allow me to work through my emotions in a more constructive way. I need an outlet of some sort. Perhaps this will help. There are many songs that speak to me and one right now that is constantly in my head is "If It Kills Me" by Jason Mraz. Right now I really want to ask someone to hold my heart in their hand but I am not so bold. I just hope that making myself better will show this person the amazing person that I once was and will be again. I'm getting older and really would like to start a family soon and want it to be with someone who inspires me, someone who gives me something to sing about. Please give me something to sing about! Maybe this person will take a chance on me but maybe they won't. It all remains to be seen. I just want a Bad Romance! These posts kill me!! I don't know what to do here!?!? This double life I lead isn't healthy for me, in fact it makes nervous. If I get caught I could be risking it all. Tell me you know, yeah you figured me out. Something gave me away.

On a lighter note, I have entered a Get Fit Challenge at my gym and first prize is $10,000!! Wish me luck! This starts next week for 12 weeks so it will be interesting to see what I can accomplish.